I hit this time of year when I start thinking about change. Every time I spend time away from NYC, I wonder upon my return why I insist on living here. Of course the exhilarating culture, variety in people and open-mindness, the sense of freedom in being a creative and the opportunities to meet the ones that could possibly lead to what you define success. All that plays a big role in my decision to be and stay here. But it is tainted by lots of "could" and "one day" and "maybe" and for all I know, that gold rush is starting to wear off of me as I head further into the years. I wake up and fall asleep way too often with the fear of not being able to keep sustaining a living here. Maybe it's just me? I do not know how to manoeuvre this hell of a city to my advantage anymore. So I retreat, in my mind and my unproductive daydreaming. Things have got to change or this is not going to make me happy anymore.
But of course changing your life around is not an overnight affair, it takes courage, determination, sacrifices and fearlessness which I can't grant myself in the state of things right now. I dream -as we all do- about making a life that will put to rest once and for all what I hate most about NYC.
As I write this post, a couple of people are arguing down the street words that I can't not even comprehend. Insults, shouting and spitting are involved, until someone finally intervenes. It's 11 in the morning. Really? Could it be that I find balance in all of this chaos? If you have found it, please share your experience with me. I think of myself as someone pretty strong and grounded, but lately, I am at loss.
The other day, I took the camera and walked around a bit. I could still see beauty around me, concealing the unapologetic filth and poverty that New York throws at you on a daily basis.
I heart you, I hate you. I want to give you a chance but I don't know if I still can.
Photographs © Anne-Claire Rohé 2014